Americans Prepare to Celebrate Genocidal Racist Slaver Day
Columbus' Legacy of Mindless Cruelty and Ignorance Lives On
Published: Thursday, October 6, 2005
Updated: Wednesday, February 13, 2013 15:02
Although UNH neatly dodges the issue by calling the holiday "Fall Break," the rest of the nation celebrates Columbus Day with no small enthusiasm. The holiday has been celebrated on various dates throughout the world, but here it will be observed on Monday.
In one second-grade classroom in Springfield, Penn., for example, Judith Bloomfield teaches one of her favorite lessons, the story of Columbus' discovery of the New World. "Did you know Columbus is personally responsible for the oppression and misery of thousands of natives of the Caribbean?" asked the teacher. The students, all energetic young children roughly seven or eight years old, ooh and ahh in amazement. The class was similarly impressed and delighted to learn that, in addition to "Sailing the Ocean Blue" in 1492, Columbus also "Murdered By the Score" in Fourteen-Hundred Ninety-Four. "I want to be an explorer when I grow up! Maybe there are Martians I could put into forced-labor settlements and cow with my superior technology and ruthlessness?" one student said while discussing Columbus' many merits. They made small construction-paper Taino natives and then the teacher taught them how the enterprising Columbus ordered their hands cut off if they failed to produce a certain quantity of gold on a regular basis. Giggles and laughter ensued as the students cut off the paper hands of their figures and colored the stumps with red markers. "I'm using a white crayon to draw the bone sticking out!" one innovative student said triumphantly. "I want to start a forced-labor farm someday!" said another.
In a less-American sector of the U.S., Berkeley, Calif., Columbus Day has been renamed to the unpatriotic Indigenous People's Day. These subversives, heedless of the long American tradition of honoring the explorers who committed the first pioneering acts of genocide in the New World, have been heavily criticized for their revisionism. They claim, highly erroneously, that Columbus never realized he had reached the New World.
"It's clearly incorrect. I mean, he would've known by the umbrellas in the coconut-drinks and the steel drums that he was in the Caribbean and not in China or India!" said Ms. Bloomfield in response.
Likewise, in Denver, Colo., Native Americans are protesting the yearly Columbus Day parades once again, despite the mayor's protests that police expenses related to containing the protests will be significant.
Elsewhere in Springfield, citizens are preparing a grand parade to commemorate the occasion. The boy scouts will be participating by carrying several dozen flags, one for every ten thousand natives subjugated to the will of their superior European masters.
Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia will also be joining the fun, celebrating Italian cultural heritage by presiding over the New York City parade as Grand Marshall. Scalia says his "Thighs of Justice" have healed from their burns, which was a concern for his participation in the parade. They had been recovering from injuries sustained on a metal slide earlier this summer, while the Justice was enjoying Supreme Court recess on the Supreme Playground.
Many businesses around the nation are also getting into the holiday spirit. At a used car lot in downtown Springfield, smallpox-covered natives have been painted into the windows. The proprietor promises a very generous sale to celebrate the holiday. "I'm calling it the 'Committing Genocide on High Prices!' That's why I'm shooting this commercial, and these Indians! Haw!" he said, putting on a mock-Renaissance Italian gentleman's costume and preparing to shoot (with blanks, for safety) a few Indians, played for the commercial by his employees.
The public library has joined in the fun by constructing a complex diorama depicting the arrival of the first Native Americans in Europe. The auction block, according to the librarians, was particularly complex to construct, as were the challenging postures of the slave-buyers and the disease-ridden emaciated natives. They quipped as they worked, "Those bony ribs were such a challenge! Why didn't the savages wear decent Christian clothes!"