My sweet Spring Break:
I am so excited for our reunion! I have many high hopes for you and me this year, and I am confident things will go better than previous years. It is not my fault that the yellow thong was the only thing Mom remembered to pack for me for the trip to Namibia. People didn't have to be so cruel.
But it is time to put the past behind us and look forward to fun in the sun, am I right? It's just that sometimes my mind goes back to the swim-up bar that year in Stalingrad… honestly, who gets the clap anymore? I do, apparently. I am so glad I switched travel agencies for this year, hopefully I won't be sent to a country undergoing a revolution next week.
Some people tell me that it's stupid and dangerous to go on spring break alone every year to foreign countries, but I think it adds excitement. I know you are always good to me, spring break. Except for giving me the clap. The long-lasting friendships I've made over the past three years have been unforgettable, and I apologize to those looking to come into the United States whom I was unable to assist.
I hope the sleeping situation will prove better than years past. At first it seemed cool to stay at the home of Dear Leader Kim Jong-Il, but that got old fast. Once again, I guess my travel agent decided on the cheapest destination with the least amount of activities planned. At least she could have sent me to the south half of the peninsula.
Finally, I can look forward to some serious fun-in-the-sun in Topeka. The days of the yellow thong are dead and gone, my friend. Topeka doesn't know what's about to hit them! I just wish Mom hadn't packed my adult sized one-piece pajamas with the traction footies; regardless of how sweet they are, they shouldn't be brought on vacation. I don't know how many times I have to tell her this.
Perhaps I will meet a lucky lady this time around. It was nearly impossible (and illegal) to communicate with the women in North Korea, too cold to move my face in Stalingrad and I sweated when I even began to move my mouth in Namibia. Why are you never fun, spring break? I have heard that it should also be a learning experience where you get to experience different cultures and histories, but I have never even had a translator.
This time, Arlene assured me that Topeka would be a perfect place to spend a week on my own. When I asked her to elaborate, she suddenly got very busy and had to hang up. At least it might be hot there, and the beaches should be full of beautiful women. That's what I've heard, at least. I bet I'll find someone willing to have a belated valentine's dinner with me, too!
What is this "alternative spring break" stuff, anyway? You help people? I don't see the point. This is my week to bask in my awesomeness, and pick up chicks. My idea of an alternative spring break is not letting Mom pack my suitcase. I think I've helped enough people in my day, even if they don't know it yet.
The only criteria I have used to choose my spring break destination every year is "Where might Amanda Bynes be during that week?" Currently I am zero for four. I think Topeka is a safe bet though, cause she probably likes to stay in the States, considering she has so many international fans who would overwhelm her. They're so crazy, I'm so glad I'm not like that.
So get ready, Topeka, because my bags are packed and I'm ready to take the next Peter Pan outta here!!!
Sayonara,
Andrew
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Andrew Koral is a student columnist in serious need of a map.
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