To the Classmate who speaks too much:
Please be quiet. There is no need to open your mouth unless you are asking a class-related question or answering a question that the professor has specifically directed to YOU. There are many reasons for my plea...no, wait. There are many reasons for my demand. It is not just me who feels the pain every time your hand raises or you make a quizzical face. I speak for the classmates who do not have a voice with which to speak, or a column in the school newspaper.
To the person who shares way too much personal information about their traumatic life: I am sorry that your sister's cousin's adoptive paternal aunt once tried the Atkins diet and still looks like a beached whale. I could have told you it doesn't work. This is not what nutrition class is for; it is an environment in which I strive to learn why I can't fast for five days and then go to Denny's and stuff myself with an all-you-can-eat breakfast. But I don't ask questions like that in class, do I Jenny Craig? No, I keep it to myself and try to figure it out on my own, by trial-and-error.
To the person from the west coast: I understand that you may do things differently than here in New England. Instead of "wicked," you say "hella." Instead of "sneaker," you say "tennis shoe." Guess what? We don't care. Please do not waste my class time telling us about your "completely different" lifestyle and keep your hand down and mouth shut. Why did you even come to school in New England if the west coast is so hella cool? By the way, you need to play tennis in order to call them tennis shoes.
To the person who always needs to tell their best friend in class about their newest relationship: Please continue. Sometimes, it is good to hear what not to do in a relationship, so eavesdropping helps. I now know I should probably call every day, and show interest in what they are saying to me. However, please keep it strictly to dating-related topics. Once the conversation shifts to bedroom activities, you have fallen into the same category as Atkins aunt and west-coast tennis pro.
To the person who consistently argues with the professor: Shut up. There is a reason the person standing at the front of the class is getting paid for speaking out loud, and you are paying to listen to them. Let's keep it that way. Just because you may have taken a slightly related class in the past, that does not make you an expert on the topic or even an assistant professor. If I wanted a second opinion on class materials, I'd consult Wikipedia. Oh, you speak another language too? I speak shut the hell up.
It has gotten to the point that every time I cross the threshold of the classroom, I am prepared to learn about the course material and what you think about it. When we discussed the Cuban Missile Crisis, I was shocked to learn that you had somehow experienced it firsthand. I must have missed your name in the history textbooks alongside JFK and Henry Kissinger. Maybe you could impress Atkins aunt girl, but not me. Perhaps you should apply to be a Fulbright scholar and professor at Princeton, as there is certainly no reason to be here.
After extensive consideration, there is only one condition in which I would speak out in class on a normal basis: if Amanda Bynes were a professor of attractiveness studies. I would write down at least five questions to ask before every class, and I would never question her methods.
So please, person who needs to stop talking, please stop talking. This is what office hours are for. This is what therapy is for. This is what friends are for. On behalf of all of us, I thank you in advance.
Sincerely,
Dictated But Not Read
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