For the first time in history, an adult, live specimen of a giant squid (Architeuthis Julesvernicus) has been drawn out of the briny, unknown deeps of the Pacific Ocean and captured.
Dirk Savage, the famous British explorer and cryptozoologist, recovered the creature after months of searching in the Pacific Ocean, near the exotic oriental isles of Japan. "It took several months of searching in the Pacific Ocean, near the exotic oriental isles of Japan," said Savage during a interview on Monday, "But the inevitable march of science could not be slowed, not even by this beady-eyed monster from the black depths!"
Proudly standing with his bandaged arms folded across the chest of his ripped khaki shirt at a dockside in the Pacific, he grinned for the cameras. In between drags on a cigarette, his steely eyes glinting in the Pacific sunset, the famous inventor, explorer, naturalist, playboy and former fighter pilot-turned-wealthy industrialist recanted his tale of heroism and aquatic danger.
"It started with rumors. The native fishermen around here tell a tall tale of telling but fantastical detail. Thanks to my multilingual companion on all my daring and exotic adventures, Bobo the Monkey--say hello Bobo, there's a good chap--I was easily able to determine a probable dwelling-area for the fabled beast, which I believe can grow to a length of several hundred feet."
According to Savage and his Turkish assistant and bodyguard, Haliph, they hired a ship and set about laying traps for the beasts, whose great eyes can see for miles even in the murky depths of the sea. "The first difficulties we had were Burmese pirates. Luckily, my months at the Academy of Fencing in London served me well, once I was able to disarm a ruffian and take up his blade," said Savage, while feeding Bobo a slice of mango.
"After that, it was smooth sailing until the storms rocked our tiny ship for four days, tossing us about like some plaything in a child's bathtub. If I hadn't lashed myself to the tiller, we would've been lost for sure," said Savage.
Finally, the band of adventurers encountered the near-mythical sea monster approximately ten miles off the remote island of Chichijima, where natives still dance about the fires wearing paint and sinister wooden masks.
"We nearly didn't make it," recalled Savage, "Because the beast, full of malice, was using its giant tentacles to tear at the rigging and drag the ship under, no doubt to feast upon the crew, but we persisted, throwing harpoon after harpoon at the impossible monster from the unseen aquatic darkness. Firearms were useless against the creature's thick, slimy hide, but finally we felled it by harpooning it through the eye. After that it was easy work, we made it fast to a line and towed it into Osaka Bay."
Unfortunately, the discovery was not without sacrifice. "The ship's Captain, Nathaniel Barns, lost his left hand down the monster's beaked maw, and I nearly lost Bobo in the confusion. I'd thought he'd gone overboard and tearfully said goodbye to him, only to discover him later hiding in a crate. The scamp!" cried Savage, petting his petulant primate pet affectionately.
Lord William Rutherford Sussex Chesterfield-Avonsworthwaters III, the current president of Britain's Royal Society, couldn't be more thrilled with the discovery. In a ceremony full of pomp and statesmanship, he bestowed the Royal Society Scepter to Savage yesterday. The event was briefly interrupted by Savage's old nemesis, Doctor Henkel, who is evidently still sore over his nation's defeat in the Franco-Prussian war, in which Savage himself earned his ace-pilot status.
After the disturbance, in which a large metallic contraption nearly turned the Queen to ice, Savage gave a short speech extolling the virtues of humanity and made frequent reference to the "March of Science!"
Savage says he plans to spend his bounty of 15,000 pounds on new khaki shirts, which frequently become torn or ripped during his adventures.
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